He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have fence marks all over my body
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
