I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
