Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
