I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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