You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
