I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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