cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
