you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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