I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
