My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
