One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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