oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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