drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
