theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
