i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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