Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
