After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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