Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
