What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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