that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
