My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
