I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
