just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
