He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
