im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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