I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
