i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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