I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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