even my farts smell like vagina
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
