My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
home. puking in laundry basket.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
