the condom got lost in my hair
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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