I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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