i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
no you cant smoke seaweed
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
