And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
