i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
