apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
