mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
