my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
