hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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