Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS