finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
