He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest