The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
