I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I didn't notice because vodka
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize