i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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