fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
