JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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