So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
