Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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