I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
