I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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