college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
