You just made me feel so damn special
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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