I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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