Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I think I am morally bankrupt
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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