were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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